That’s not as reliable as you think it is

We’re always on the lookout for reliability.  For example, reliability is the number one factor when buying a car or hiring someone to work on our vehicles.  We want to know that our vehicle will be low maintenance, but when it does need repair, the person working on it will do so at a fair price and in a reasonable amount of time.

However, our search for safety found in “reliability” often goes too far.  We get burned in a relationship and we decide that we can only rely on ourselves.  We fear the future and hoard as much money as possible.  We want to buy top-of-the-line items, both for comfort and status.  We climb the corporate ladder or out-hustle everyone to get authority… because I can’t trust anyone else to lead.  We convey our “reliability” to others in our status and achievements.  And we’re in constant competition with everyone else trying to prove the same thing.

Humanity’s quest for self-sufficiency or self-superiority isn’t just a modern problem.  Certainly our modern technologies and social media platforms hype up this self-focused pursuit…but they did not create the problem.  In fact, God warned the Israelites about it hundreds of years before Jesus was born:

Jeremiah 17:5
This is what the Lord says:
Cursed is the person who trusts in mankind.
He makes human flesh his strength and his heart turns from the Lord.

It might seem like odd phrasing that someone would make human flesh his strength, but think about the human attributes or achievements we use to gain status over each other:

Money, authority, beauty, self-sufficiency, owning luxury items…God says that if we choose any of these things as our value indicators, our strength, or reliability… it naturally moves us to a heart turned from the Lord.  There is no other path.  And here’s what happens to the one who focuses on them:

Jeremiah 17:6
He will be like a juniper in the Arabah;
he cannot see when good comes
but dwells in the parched places in the wilderness,
in a salt land where no one lives.

A juniper tree will tend to grow in isolated or scattered patterns.  This behavior is due to the conditions of the Arabah, the parched Jordan Valley west of the Dead Sea, where little rain falls and salt flats dominate.

The comparison made between the person who trusts in mankind and a juniper in the Arabah would have been crystal-clear to Jeremiah’s audience.  If they continued to seek reliability and find their value in what human flesh can bring about, they would find themselves living an isolated and depressing life…just like the juniper in the Arabah.

We also recognize this, right?  We see this happening in culture and in the news and on social media all the time.  We hear about those who have the biggest fame, the most money, and all the luxury items being the ones who are most lonely and most depressed.

But, for some reason, we think that we won’t be like that.  Deep down, we think “Somehow, I’ll be the exception” and we convince ourselves to keep pursuing self-reliance.

Probably time to check our attitude towards all the things we are relying on…let’s ask God to review our hearts and reveal any place we’re relying on ourselves or what human strength can provide.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

I got a guy for that

It’s safe to say that the first “guy” in most people’s lives is their father.  If you have a question or a problem – especially if it’s a “How do I do this?” situation – you go to dad, expecting him to have the answer.  If, for whatever reason, dad’s not around, then sometimes mom or another guy will be able to help.  We’ll go searching all over the place for someone to help us.  Even to the internet.  

Perhaps that explains the immense popularity of the “Dad, how do I?” channel on YouTube.  Four years ago, a father started creating videos to help his adult children, and now he has almost 5 million followers.  He has videos on everything from how to tie a tie to explanations of power tools.  Many people comment that he’s the dad (and resource) they wish they had while growing up.

When you can’t do something for yourself…you need “a guy” (or “a gal”) who knows what they’re doing.  As we move through adulthood, we gather skills from our vocation or out of necessity – we learn to how to trim bushes or fix a dishwasher or build a retaining wall.  But we can’t learn to do everything.  Eventually, we need to hire out for some work.  There’s just not enough time to be our own electrician and a good plumber and build our own cabinets and know how to repair everything for our cars.

So, at some point…we need a guy.

If we don’t develop the skills ourselves, we will collect the names and contact info of those who have.

Need a plumber?  I got a guy for that.
Need  someone to take out a tree stump?  I got a guy for that.
Need a trustworthy mechanic?  I got a shop full of guys for that.
Need a new kitchen?  I don’t know a guy for that.

When I run into a situation where I don’t “know a guy” who can do what I need, what do I do?  I ask other guys I know.  Eventually, I’ll find someone else who has “got a guy” that can help me.

Making sure you “got a guy” for these kinds of physical life issues is perfectly normal, and so is seeking “a guy” out if I don’t have support in any physical area I need.  But…it’s much less common for us men to have “a guy” or seek out “a guy” when we’re feeling unsteady mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.  Any recent study on loneliness bears this out.  Generally speaking, men don’t feel like they have many friends…or any friends at all, for that matter.

Outside of the transactional side of work (I do this job to help you, you do your job to help me) or your spouse, is there anyone actively present in your life that you can talk through your worries, questions, wins, fears, struggles, or dreams with?  If the loneliness studies are accurate, not many of us do.  And yet, we read this opening line to a psalm by David:

Psalm 133:1
How delightfully good when brothers live together in harmony!

It’s hard to have a delightfully good experience if we’re not connecting with others.  For several years now, I have been meeting every Thursday morning on a men’s Zoom call.  We also have a chat all 14 of us belong to, so we can stay in touch throughout the week.  With everyone’s busy schedules, it’s rare that more than half of us are on each Thursday, but we also schedule a monthly lunch for those of us that can make it.  The purpose of the group is to support each other, by either studying Scripture and finding ways to apply it to life or by talking about life events and then taking them back to God’s Word.  We’ve read through books and studied books of the Bible; discussed podcasts, articles, or current events; checked in with each other; asked for help on topics like parenting, porn, work, and anger; and generally provided a forum where guys can connect with other guys.  And yes, questions like “Does anyone got a guy who is a trustworthy mechanic?” do get asked – and at least one good option is often suggested by the group.

What we experience together matches up well with the directions Paul gave to the church in Thessalonica:

1 Thessalonians 5:14-18
And we exhort you, brothers and sisters:
warn those who are idle,
comfort the discouraged,
help the weak,
be patient with everyone.
See to it that no one repays evil for evil to anyone,
but always pursue what is good for one another and for all.
Rejoice always,
pray constantly,
give thanks in everything;
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Because I have brothers that do these things for me, and I for them, life has more delightfully good moments to it…and life’s hard parts are easier to cope with.  Because I know when I need support in the real issues of life – I got a guy for that.

If you have a group a guys like this, great!  Keep on keeping on. 

If you have just one guy like this in your life, that’s also great – but you both should be on the lookout for someone to include.  There are plenty of guys who need what you got.

And of course, ladies need to have “a gal” for these kinds of connections, too.  Y’all are just generally better at making them than us guys are.  Truth is, we all need these real connections.  Life really does become delightfully good with them.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Proverbial life: you need a friend

We’re taking a topic-focused tour of the book of Proverbs.  Although Solomon was commenting on life roughly 3000 years ago, his observations ring loud and clear in today’s modern times.  In this blog post, we’ll be looking at a topic that is both incredibly simple and challenge-level hard: being open with a friend.

The loneliness statistics in America are staggering.  Cigna did a massive loneliness study in 2018, and here are a few of their findings:

·       Nearly 50% of Americans reported sometimes or always feeling alone
·       Two in five Americans sometimes or always feel that their relationships are not meaningful and that they are isolated from others.
·       One in five people report they rarely or never feel close to people or feel like there are people they can talk to.
·       Generation Z (adults ages 18-22) is the loneliest generation

Cigna followed up with another study in 2019 and a post-pandemic study – with both showing that the numbers are getting worse, not better.

We need connection.  God made us for community.  Solomon knew this and included wisdom about friendships in his collection of proverbs.  But friendships can be messy, can’t they?  A supportive relationship with someone who isn’t a blood relative or a direct dependent takes energy and effort.  While it may be tempting to just withdraw and focus on ourselves, Solomon actually cautioned against doing so:

Proverbs 18:1
One who isolates himself pursues selfish desires;
he rebels against all sound wisdom.

Without outside counsel, our aims become very selfish.  But seriously, what else would we expect?  If we’re going to isolate ourselves away from others, there’s no one left for us to focus on besides ourselves.  The problem with doing so is that we become self-centered in our thoughts and actions.  Isolation and loneliness is a trap for our minds, one that keeps us away from sound wisdom.  If we are alone long enough, our blind spots and selfishness warp our minds to the point that we reject – or even rebel against – any wisdom that comes our way.

But friendship is more than just correcting each other when we’re drifting toward selfishness.  Solomon also addressed one of the main benefits of having a friend:

Proverbs 17:17
A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for a difficult time.

We were made to give and receive love.  Knowing you have a friend in your corner, someone that loves you at all times, is a great resource.  When we are giving that same love to our friend, we are removing our focus off of ourself.  This giving-receiving love process actually protects us from the isolation trap that Solomon described in the previous proverb.  Difficult times will come, but they are easier to navigate with a friend in your corner.

However, don’t think a loving friendship means that your friend has to always agree with you or support your ideas.  Sometimes, we need to be told that we’re heading in the wrong direction:

Proverbs 27:6
The wounds of a friend are trustworthy,
but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.

Even coming from a friend, correction still stings.  However, when we know our friend has our best interests in mind, the times they choose to warn us – even figuratively wound us – we know we can trust them.  This again goes back to the first proverb we looked at…a friend’s trustworthy correction keeps us from rebelling against all sound wisdom. 

If all you get are excessive compliments and kisses from someone, especially if they are nudging you towards your selfish desires or unsafe situations…that person is not the friend you need when a difficult time arrives.  Solomon warns us to be very careful with someone who tries to deceive us with an abundance of praise.

Our last proverb is probably the most quoted proverb on this topic.  With just eight words, Solomon perfectly describes the goal of friendships:

Proverbs 27:17
Iron sharpens iron,
and one person sharpens another.

The goal of a friendship is to make each other better, to make each other sharper.  There are many things to love about Solomon’s word picture, but the main thing to take away is that the sharpening process doesn’t happen for someone who has isolated themselves.  Isolation develops a selfish mind and dulls our lives.  We need one another to help us grow into the man or woman that God has made us to be.

Do you have a friend you can count on, or are you feeling lonely?  If you’re drifting toward loneliness, talk to God about it and be on the lookout for someone you can connect with.  Do not let yourself become comfortable with being alone…you weren’t made for that.

Keep Pressing,
Ken