Who is responsible for peace?

Let’s begin by stating the obvious: Relationships are hard.

Why are they hard?  Because people are flawed, biased toward their own wants and desires.

Even the most introverted of us will admit that eventually they need some person-to-person interaction.  In contrast, our extroverts can’t imagine going more than an hour without interacting with another person.  But engaging in those interactions means that we risk dealing with pain, arguments, uncomfortable silence, offense, hurt feelings, unmet expectations, and plenty of other things we’d like to avoid.

We were made for relationship.  God created humans so that He could have a relationship with us.  We’re also made to connect with each other.  Although sin and selfishness have corrupted these bonds between “us and God” and “us and others”, they have not thwarted our desire for our original design.  But just because we want something, doesn’t mean that we’re necessarily good at it.  We need some guidance if we’re going to make these relationships grow and thrive.

So it comes to no surprise that in his letter to the believers in Rome, the Apostle Paul tells them:

Romans 12:18
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

When we read that verse, it’s easy to nod in agreement.  Being at peace with others is a two-way street, and I can only be responsible for my side.  I can’t force anyone to be at peace with me.  And, let’s be honest, I have a lot of work to do in order to fully apply this verse, long before I expect it from others.

But I like to be practical.  I want to find ways to put the Word of God into practice.  It’s not enough to nod along.  As much as I agree that it’s better for me to live at peace with everyone and that I recognize how it depends on [me]…exactly how can I make this peace happen?

Fortunately, Jesus talked a lot about our relationships with each other.  There are many verses we could look at, but I want to focus in on two of them.

During His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said this:

Matthew 5:23-24
So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First go and be reconciled with your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.

Jesus is quite clear here – if you are the offender, if you caused a rift between you and your brother or sister, then He expects you to go make it right.  Before doing anything else, go fix the relationship.  Even before interacting with God through your gifts, go address the offense. 

A little later, Jesus also taught this to His disciples:

Matthew 18:15
If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother.

Now Jesus is saying if I’m the victim of my brother’s actions, I need to go work it out with him.  Maybe he didn’t realize that he sinned against me.  Maybe he knew exactly what he was doing.  Jesus doesn’t give that kind of qualifier here.  The direction is for me to provide correction and be hopeful that he listens.

When I put these two teachings side-by-side, this is what we end up with:

If I wronged my brother, I need to go work it out with him.
If my brother wronged me, I need to go work it out with him.

To be honest, this doesn’t sit well with me.  It feels like it should be an either/or situation.  So, which one is the right way to deal with conflict between me and my brother?

The answer: they’re both right.

As far as it depends on [me], live at peace with everyone.

There’s this two letter word tucked inside Jesus’ directions, regardless if we’re the offender or the offended – we are to go.  Go to them and work it out.  Go and reconcile.  Go and ask forgiveness.  Go extend the love that God has shown you.  Go and make peace.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

How to deal with conflict

Ever get the urge to just “knock some sense” into someone?

Or at the very least, give them a verbal beat down that will “set them right” – and maybe let us blow off a little steam?

Take Paul’s protégé Timothy as an example.

He’s in a major metropolitan city he didn’t grow up in, he’s (at most) 30 years old, he’s in charge of the entire Christian church family in the city, and Paul has charged him with combating false doctrine and incorrect teachings of others.

How much conflict is going to come his way?  How many folks will be coming at him to argue with him?  Think he’ll have days where he feels the need to put someone in their place?

The Greek word for rebuke means just that – to strike or beat upon, to chastise with words.  I’m sure there were more than a few people (even some of them believers) who would have needed a strong dose of correction.

But look at how Paul says the young leader Timothy should handle those people:

1 Timothy 5:1-2
Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and with all propriety, the younger women as sisters.

While a rebuke would be a sharp, cutting word of correction, Timothy’s choice to exhort the person sits at the opposite end of the spectrum.  The Greek word translated exhort means to call to one’s side, to encourage and strengthen by consolation, comfort, or instruction.

Paul knew his Old Testament well.  As he directed Timothy, he likely had this proverb in mind:

Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

In a separate letter, Paul reminded the believers in Rome:

Romans 2:4
Or do you despise the riches of His kindness, restraint, and patience, not recognizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

Going toe-to-toe with an angry patron would make it difficult for Timothy to reach them with lasting correction and change.  Nor would harsh words model how God treats us.

One last observation to make.  Did you see the extra note Paul included for Timothy’s interaction with younger women?  With all propriety, [exhort] younger women as sisters.  We’ve all seen it too many times.  A high-ranking church leader losing his reputation, his job, and his influence for Christ due to an inappropriate relationship with another woman. 

Men, hear me clearly – if we do not keep ourselves intentionally pure and sinless in this area, especially with younger women, then we are inviting destruction into our lives.  Carelessness in this area will bring shame to ourselves and significant damage to God’s reputation in this life…and then we’ll have to answer to Jesus at the Bema Seat judgment.  You don’t want that.  I don’t want that.  We must take any steps necessary to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.

So, here’s Paul direction to Timothy, all fleshed out:

Do not rebuke and older man, but exhort him as a father
Do not rebuke a younger man, but exhort him as a brother
Do not rebuke an older woman, but exhort her as a mother
Do not rebuke a younger woman, but – with all integrity – exhort her as a sister.

Put these into practice, and you will reflect God to others.

Keep Pressing,
Ken