Pause on offense

If there’s any phrase that’s been thrown around too much in the last ten years, I think we can all agree that “I’m offended!” is it.  It seems like everyone is offended about something, right?

Typically, I’ve seen two opposing responses to someone taking offense.  On the one hand, we have someone who immediately pulls back and apologizes for any offense taken.  This person seems to believe that causing an offense is the worst thing one person could do to another.  On the other hand, we have someone else who hardens up and becomes recalcitrant in their behavior.  They claim that dealing with an offense is the sole responsibility of the one who is offended.  I’ve even witnessed some people being intentionally offensive, in an attempt to prove their point.

But where is a Christian supposed to live in this spectrum?  Timid, obstinate, or somewhere in between?  Does loving others mean that we’re going to acquiesce to another’s personal preferences or feelings?  Or does love need to be “tough” on those who wilt at the notion of conflict or differences?

While I do not think there is a hard-and-fast rule for our most loving response in all situations, I am thankful that Jesus provides us with an example in a situation He found Himself in. 

Before we step into the scene, we need a little context.  The Old Testament directed that at the annual census, each person over the age of 20 was to give a half-shekel offering to the Lord in support of the tabernacle.  This “temple tax” was collected annually across the nation.  It was not without controversy, either.  Some people believed that the temple tax was only to be paid once per lifetime; whereas others insisted that it was an annual offering.

The temple tax collectors were Jews who were working in the service of the temple, not the Roman occupiers.  What is not clear from the text is if they are simply doing their job, or if they were attempting to be clever with their question in order to draw Jesus into the debate and possibly accuse Him of not supporting the temple.

Whichever motive is true, Jesus’ handling of the situation is fascinating:

Matthew 17:24-26
When they came to Capernaum, those who collected the temple tax approached Peter and said, “Doesn’t your teacher pay the temple tax?”
“Yes,” he said.
When he went into the house, Jesus spoke to him first, “What do you think, Simon?  From whom do earthly kings collect tariffs or taxes?  From their sons or from strangers?”
“From strangers,” he said.
“Then the sons are free,” Jesus told him.

Let’s pause right here.  Jesus is not merely teaching Peter a lesson in tax law.  Instead, He’s making a statement on Peter’s position in God’s family.  As the Son of God, Jesus is exempt from the temple tax.  However, Jesus is also including Peter as part of God’s family.  Earlier, Jesus stated that whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother (Matthew 12:50).  And just what is this “will of my Father”?  The apostle John quoted Jesus on this very phrase:

John 6:40
For this is the will of my Father: that everyone who sees the Son and believes in Him will have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.

Those who believe in Jesus for eternal life are now part of the Father’s family!  On top of the multitude of benefits familyhood brings, in their current situation, Peter is just like Jesus – exempt from the temple tax.

So…what should Peter do with this new understanding of who he is as a member of God’s family?  As a practical matter, the temple tax collector is still waiting outside, expecting Peter to come out with the money.  What would you do?  Begrudgingly pay it?  Yell at the guy to go away?  Forcefully tell him about your rights as a child of God, and that you are exempt from his earthly governing rules?

When we read the next directions that Jesus gave to Peter, most people focus on the fantastical way Jesus provided the money.  Instead, I want us to focus on why Jesus was still going to pay, even though He said that the sons are free:

Matthew 17:27
“But, so we won’t offend them, go to the sea, cast in a fishhook, and take the first fish that you catch.  When you open its mouth you’ll find a coin.  Take it and give it to them for me and you.”

Jesus says that they’ll still pay (even though they rightfully don’t have to) so the temple tax collectors won’t be offended.  The Greek word translated as offend – skandalizo – means to put a stumbling block or impediment in the way, upon which another may trip and fall, or metaphorically, to offend.  The temple tax collector wasn’t part of God’s Family…and so to avoid making him stumble in his interaction with those who are in God’s Family, Jesus set aside His rights as a son.  Jesus chose to pay a tax that He did not have to in order to keep the path clear for someone else to believe in Him for eternal life and join the family.

Jesus modeled how to avoid an offense so that a relationship can be maintained.  Even if Jesus or Peter chose to confront the tax collector with an argument about their rights as sons…what good would it have done in this situation?  The temple tax collector didn’t set the policy.  He doesn’t make the decisions about who pays and who does not pay.  In this instance, the tax collector is simply the messenger and blasting him with arguments – even valid ones – does not accomplish anything…but it would place a stumbling block in His way to seeing Jesus as the Messiah.

Our take-away principle is clear: There are bigger issues than my individual rights, especially when it comes to keeping the path to God clear of stumbling blocks for others.  If Jesus can set aside His rights to avoid an offense, so can I.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

What a leader should NOT be

When it comes to choosing the person who will manage the overall activities of the church family, Paul listed qualities an overseer should have – as well as some qualities an overseer should definitely not have.

1 Timothy 3:2-5
An overseer, therefore, must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, self-controlled, sensible, respectable, hospitable, an able teacher, not addicted to wine, not a bully but gentle, not quarrelsome, not greedy…

One way to understand the importance of each of these not characteristics is to consider what it would be like if our leaders actually had these qualities:

not addicted to wine – Notice Paul doesn’t say “thou shalt not drink”.  Instead, Paul wants Timothy to ensure that the prospective overseer does not allow himself to be controlled by alcohol.  The line between appropriately handling and not appropriately handling varies from person to person.  Does he “need a drink” every time stress starts to build?  If he is regularly turning to alcohol for comfort, escape, or pleasure…then this is a huge warning flag.  Think of the damage a man with this addiction in an overseer position would do.  Personal and private issues would eventually become public incidents – divorce, DUI, financial disaster.  There is room in God’s family for anyone dealing alcohol and with the problems it can cause.  However, while they are being dealt with, that person should not be leading a congregation.

not a bully – We’ve seen this in other areas of life.  Someone is really successful at “getting the job done”, but when you look beneath surface, you find that they stepped all over people to actually get the job done.  Several times in His ministry, Christ said that the greatest in His kingdom was the one who was the servant of all (see Matthew 23:11, Luke 22:26).  As such, there is no place in leadership of God’s family for someone who physically intimidates others, is always ready for a fight, or who treats others belligerently.  An overseer is there to guide and direct others toward Jesus.  Since Jesus never led way, a church leader has no excuse to do so, either.

not quarrelsome – In addition to telling Timothy to avoid appointing leadership to someone who relies on being physically intimidating, Paul also tells Timothy to watch out for those who are verbally intimidating.  Does he love arguments because he relishes to chance to prove someone else is wrong?  Is he always on the defensive?  It’s impossible to lead others toward the God who loves them if the one leading them does not speak out of love toward them.

not greedy – Greed cuts into the attitude of both the poor and the rich.  It is a consuming desire for what you don’t have.  This is probably the most common visible vice for those in church leadership.  The low hanging fruit is to make sure that they are not lovers of money and not materialistic.  However, Paul doesn’t limit their greed to money here…greed could manifest itself in other ways, in their desire for authoritative power, or increased church attendance, or in the approval from people.

When we begin to breakdown Paul’s list, we find that these qualifications are rather exhaustive and to find all of these characteristics in one man might even be difficult.  However, I believe that is Paul’s point.  Look at how he finishes the qualification list:

1 Timothy 3:2-5
An overseer, therefore, must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, self-controlled, sensible, respectable, hospitable, an able teacher, not addicted to wine, not a bully but gentle, not quarrelsome, not greedy – one who manages his own household competently having his children under control with all dignity. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of God’s church?)

A man’s family is his proving ground.  Since the church family is made up of our individual families, the same kind of leadership is needed at the church-level.  If I cannot handle my family of four…then I should not expect to be able to oversee 40 other families.  Paul knew that any one of these not characteristics had the potential to inflict severe damage to an individual family, and the damage would only be magnified when they crop up in church leadership.  Timothy had to be careful in who he selected for the job.

Keep Pressing,
Ken
 

In the heat of the moment

Living with family is hard.  We have different likes, preferences, reactions, attitudes, and opinions.  With all of these differences, conflict becomes a “when” not an “if”.  When we get into the heat of conflict, it is pretty difficult to remember in that moment all of the ways we should be acting toward the other person.  Trying to guard our tone, volume, our word choice, and to listen before speaking are all very difficult to remember when we’re in the middle of defending our position.

A list of conflict resolution skills to practice is helpful…but only before the moment arrives.  When conflict hits, we’ll remember one or two of them, at best.  Since the way disagreements are handled can make or break relationships, it’s important to ask,

“Which skill or attitude is the most important?  What is the one thing to remember when conflict comes?”

In his letter, Paul coached the Colossian believers on how to prepare themselves to handle conflict within God’s family.  Earlier, he listed five character traits that they were to practice putting on, just like they would put on their clothes.  As they practiced the traits of heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, they would be able to accept and forgive each other when issues arose. 

However, the heat of the moment is a difficult time for those involved.  That’s why I think Paul continued with this piece of guidance:

Colossians 3:14-15
Above all, put on love – the perfect bond of unity.  And let the peace of the Messiah, to which you were also called in one body, control your hearts.

This is the “if you forget everything else, remember what I’m about to tell you” moment in Paul’s letter.  Paul flags this most important direction with the key phrase above all.  So above all the Colossians are to remember to put on love.  They are to get dressed in the same kind of love that God has extended to us in Christ Jesus. 

Jesus himself gave the same answer when He was asked which section of the Jewish law was most important.  The person asking wanted to know what part of Moses’ law would be a guiding principle above all the other laws:

Matthew 22:37-40
He said to him, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the greatest and most important commandment.  The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.  All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commandments.”

Jesus said that for us to love is our highest aim…but also notice that everything else flows out of that love.  Paul is telling the Colossians the same thing – Above all, put on love.  The other characteristics would flow out of how well we love, especially in the midst of conflict.

But how do we know what is the best way to show love?  How will we know what is best for the other person when we’re in the middle of a fight?

To that, Paul throws in an “and”.  The Colossians were to let the peace of the Messiah control their hearts.  The peace of the Messiah was what Jesus brought to the sin-caused conflict between the human race and God.  Jesus was willing to give Himself up to address the problem head-on, so that our relationship with God the Father could be restored.

Paul uses an interesting word for what this kind of peace is supposed to do to us.  The Greek word for control comes from a context of athletic games, where an official would serve as an umpire in the match.  Paul wants the peace of the Messiah then to guide, direct, and umpire our love for the family member we’re clashing with.  So when family conflict comes, and it will, this all we need to remember:

Above everything else, let’s aim for peace because we love them. 

Keep Pressing,
Ken