How to avoid mistakes

I am my own worst critic. 

I hate my mistakes.  I hate my mess ups.  I especially despise making them in front of other people. 

Even when I was a kid, I hated to practice my saxophone or acting script with others in the house…because I didn’t want anyone hearing the number of times I’d mess it up before finally figuring out the melody or how I wanted to say a memorized line. 

As a teen, I figured out how to stay in my lane with things that worked for me.  Doing so only allowed people to see my successes.  Combine that with avoiding the things you’re bad at, and suddenly everyone assumes that you’re good at everything.

As I became an adult, I didn’t get any better.  But when you become a husband and a father…there’s no hiding your mistakes anymore.  Because of the proximity of day-to-day living, my flaws were glaringly obvious to my wife and – despite my best efforts – they were also mirrored back to me by my young sons.

There were many options available for how I was going to deal with my inability to maintain a “perfect-looking” façade – I could use denial, I could use anger to deflect attention from my mistakes, I could double-down and work harder at not messing up, or I could avoid discussing them altogether.  None of these options are mutually exclusive either…I could mix and match to whatever situation I found myself in.

Fortunately, a better help came along.

His name was Joe.

Joe took me, a 25 year old husband/father/know-it-all, and mentored me.  He taught me how to study the Bible, how to read the meaning out of the text instead of putting my own thinking into the text.  He taught me how to teach.  He loved me.  He invested in me.  Through his efforts, “Old Joe” (as he often called himself) put his arm around my shoulders, telling me “This is how we do this.  This is how a Christian man lives for God, with eternity in mind.” 

He was very good at referencing the book of Proverbs, which focuses on wisdom, being skilled at living before God.  I’ll give you some examples of how he quoted them and also lived them out:

First example:

I’d see him at least every Sunday at church, and we’d be in touch frequently during the week.  We’d talk about work, family upbringing, frustrations, raising kids, loving a wife who struggles with bi-polar disorder, everything…including making mistakes.

Joe always told me: “I’ve already made all the mistakes.  If you listen to me, you won’t have to make them, too.”  He was right…listening to him helped me either avoid messing up on something I wasn’t prepared for, or his advice was able to help me deal with my faults and move forward in a healthy, Godly manner.

Proverbs 19:20
Listen to counsel and receive instruction so that you may be wise later in life.

Second example:

Most of the time I was happy to see him, but there were occasions where I dreaded speaking with him – because I knew I was struggling and I knew he was going to call me out.  I have to admit that his corrections were always kindly delivered, but I just didn’t always want to talk about my struggles.  I even avoided him a few Sundays…and when I eventually came back around, he was still there for me.

Proverbs 27:6
Wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.

Third example:

He mentored me from my mid-twenties to my mid-thirties, but “Old Joe” was at the other end of the spectrum.  He didn’t have to share the lessons he’d learned over the years, but he wanted to invest in the next generation of disciples.  He had lived for God for many decades.  As such, he was skilled in wisdom and right-living…but it wasn’t something that he kept to himself.

Proverbs 16:31
Gray hair is a glorious crown; it is found in the ways of righteousness.

It’s been many years since I last saw him.  Due to health reasons, he and his wife had to move closer to family.  “Old Joe” went to heaven at the end of 2017, but his impact still echoes on this side of eternity.  You can read more about his influence on my life here.

I don’t have a full head of grey hair yet, but there’s more with each passing year.  I’m thankful for the years that God has allowed me to serve Him, and that He continues to teach me the ways of righteousness and right-living. 

A few weeks back, I even used Joe’s quote.  During a group discussion after church, I pointed to a friend of mine who is close to my age, turned to a young couple, and said: We’ve already made all the mistakes.  If you listen to us, you won’t have to make them, too. 

I hope they applied what we talked about.  I hope they’re able to avoid or manage mistakes better because of our example, and the example that was set for me by Joe.

I urge you to do the same.  If you’re wearing a crown of grey hair, then please invest in the young ones.  And if you’re a young one, find an older believer to help you walk with wisdom…and learn early how to avoid mistakes.

Keep Pressing
Ken

Dealing with gossips and trash-talkers

A couple of years ago, I engaged in what I would call “short-term mentoring” with a young man who was fresh out of college and just starting out in his career field.  We’d meet for coffee or food a couple of times, primarily so we could work through what he was experiencing as a Christian making the shift from the education world to the business world.  For some topics, he knew the right next steps – but just needed to talk through them out loud or bounce his ideas off of someone else.  For other topics, when he felt stumped, I would share my advice and experience.

One particular struggle was with a coworker who routinely bad-mouthed their other co-workers.  Can you believe so-and-so did that?  Watch out for them, they’ll serve you up to the boss in a heartbeat.  And that guy over there – laziest jerk in the company.  In my experience, there is always at least one person like this in any corporate setting, and sometimes this kind of behavior is throughout entire departments. 

But my friend felt stuck.  He was the new guy and because of their roles in the company, he worked with this individual all the time.  There was no “escaping” or “avoiding” the frequent negative attitude and gossip.  He didn’t want to talk trash on his other co-workers (that he just met and barely knew)…but he didn’t feel like he could look at this person and bluntly say “Thou shalt not gossip.”  He didn’t want to sour the relationship with someone he was required to work with, but he also didn’t want the other co-workers to think that he was gossiping and talking trash about them.

While the Bible does talk about the dangers and difficulties of gossip, most of the time it simply acknowledges that it exists and warns of the trouble it causes.  You won’t find direction on how to stop others from doing it.  It seems that God is much more concerned with what you do with gossip instead of deputizing you to become the gossip police.

Solomon addressed gossipy situations many times in his collection of Proverbs, for example:

Proverbs 11:12
Whoever shows contempt for his neighbor lacks sense,
but a person with understanding keeps silent.

Proverbs 20:19
The one who reveals secrets is a constant gossip;
avoid someone with a big mouth.

Proverbs 26:20
Without wood, fire goes out;
without a gossip, conflict dies down.

These proverbs give us three good options when we’re faced with someone who wants to spread rumors or talk trash: keep quiet, avoid the person, or don’t participate.

When I was talking through my friend’s situation at work, we agreed that the first two were not really options for him…since the person was someone he had to regularly work with.  So my advice focused on the last proverb’s point – that when his co-worker came to him with rumors or would bad-mouth their other co-workers, he did not have to accept the invitation to participate.  A couple of examples:

Hey, did you hear about so-and-so?  They got in trouble with the boss today…
I heard something happened, but I wasn’t involved.  If I need to be, I’m sure they’ll let me know.

Watch out, that lady will always stab you in the back.
I’ll keep that in mind, but that hasn’t been my experience with her.  Maybe she was having a bad day.

That guy is the laziest jerk in the department.  He never gets his reports done on time and his work is always sloppy.
Are you sure?  The last time I worked with him on a project, it went fine.

The main thing about these responses is that they do not pile on to what the gossiper was saying.  Maybe there is some truth to what they are complaining about, but “always” and “never” are rarely accurate labels.  It does no good to add fuel to the fire, and when we choose to not participate, conflict dies down.

The last point I made to my friend was that if he was able to consistently avoid gossip participation – if he politely refuted “always/never” or changed the subject to a relevant work matter – then eventually the person will stop bringing the gossip to him.  He’s no fun if he won’t gossip, too.  His consistency will be noticed by his other co-workers, as well.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

A funny thing happened on the way through Samaria

Jesus and His disciples are traveling, on foot, from the southern region of Judea to the northern region of Galilee.  In between the two was the region of Samaria.

John 4:4-8
He had to travel through Samaria; so He came to a town of Samaria called Sychar near the property that Jacob had given his son Joseph.  Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, worn out from His journey, sat down at the well.  It was about noon. 

A woman of Samaria came to draw water.
“Give Me a drink,” Jesus said to her, because His disciples had gone into town to buy food.

She came alone and at noon.  Both details are unusual.  Women would normally go to wells in groups for safety and during the cooler parts of the day.  Based on other details we will learn later, this woman was likely treated as an outsider in her town.  Although she was giving up on having safety in numbers and she was working during the hottest part of the day, her choice would at least ensure that she could avoid interacting with those who disapprovingly looked down on her.

This tactic sounds familiar, doesn’t it?  Even today, we avoid contact with others if we expect a negative situation.  We go to great lengths to avoid conflict.  And we will choose avoiding conflict even if it puts us at a disadvantage in other areas of our lives.  To avoid tense situations, we’ll go at it alone, even though we know that life is supposed to be lived in community.  We choose to do our work at the hottest part of the day, just to avoid dealing with that person.  We often choose to hide rather than risking the uncomfortable tension that could happen.

One of the disciples would have been carrying the typical traveler’s vessel (made from animal skin) for drawing water, which they could let down the well with a rope.  However, Jesus had sent His disciples into the town to buy food.  As such, Jesus has no means to pull up water from the well.  The text tells us that He was worn out from His journey, and He was likely thirsty, too.  However, asking for assistance from an unfamiliar Samaritan woman was way out-of-bounds in ancient society.  And yet, Jesus still initiated a conversation…which totally caught the woman off-guard:

John 4:9
“How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?” she asked Him.  For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.

A proper Jewish response to the situation would have been to out-right ignore her, pretending she wasn’t even there.  Knowing Jewish custom and prejudices, she is very surprised that Jesus spoke with her at all.  But to ask for a drink of water from her vessel?  Totally unheard of.  And, if we think about it, Jesus’ request also implies that she’d have to draw it for Him.  Fulfilling His request would mean doing all the hard work of sending the water jar down the well via a rope, scooping the water, and pulling the jar back up before presenting it to Him.

The point here is that Jesus started a conversation with an outcast, someone that society’s rules said He wasn’t supposed to associate with – let alone use their dishes!  By initiating this conversation, Jesus broke through two levels of prejudice: first, He spoke to a Samaritan, and second, He spoke to a woman. 

For a Jewish man to speak to a Samaritan woman was so unusual in society, and she probably had never experienced a similar conversation.  One could even argue that she represents an oppressed minority, which is still a common reality in much of today’s Middle Eastern culture.  However, Jesus was neither racist nor sexist. 

As their conversation progresses, Jesus will offer her His free gift of eternal life.  It’s not that she deserved His offer of eternal life as much as the Jews, because none of us deserve eternal life.  However, Jesus loves her enough that He will offer it to her – an oppressed minority, a social outcast, a person who avoids others out of shame and guilt.  Jesus met her where she was and offered her eternal life.

So we see that cultural prejudices and societal restrictions are not barriers to the good news of who Jesus is.  Those same prejudices and restrictions also do not hinder our ability to believe in Jesus for eternal life.

Jesus was willing to reach across those lines.  We should be, too.

Keep Pressing,
Ken